Anxiety
I have never thought I will one day write about anxiety. I always thought of myself as super positive, always seeing the bright side of things. But i am only human. And these are not usual times.
It’s exactly 2.5 months today since I officially left my last full-time job. Wasn’t 100% my choice. But circumstances called for it. Things didn’t work out.
Anxiety is creeping in. I have submitted many many job applications - started even before I officially left my previous role. I have directly asked friends, acquaintances and Linkedin connections for referrals. I have spent time to customise my CVs for every application. I have started to include cover letters along my applications. I have expanded the scope of roles and industries of my job application. I am also open to the possibility of drawing a lesser pay cheque for my next role. The response rate of my applications has been less than 10%. Interviews are not progressing as well or as quickly I’d like them to be.
I have explored other options - tried working with an ex-colleague on his tech startup. Thinking of doing ecommerce businesses as a reseller. Am working on rebranding my marketing + lead generation + business development + partnerships + consulting efforts under a corporate entity - so that it can continue to be a side gig after I land a full-time role. Things have been slow. Nothing seems to be gaining much traction. Anxiety is creeping in.
For context, I have 2 young boys - 4 & 1 year old. I’m the sole breadwinner while my wife is a stay-home mom. We have savings and it’s what we’re drawing on now in this income-less period.
I have felt embarrassed, guilty, bad, ashamed, humiliated, upset, angry, furious. But yet I keep my chin up. I stay positive. I smile. I listen to podcasts with encouraging words to stay motivated, inspired and maybe distracted. But hey, it’s no longer just me now.
I got my wife and my 2 cute boys to think about too. I no longer do things based on just I feel and think now. Everything I do, I do it for them.
There was a moment earlier in this 2.5 months when I was looking at the back of my 1 year old toddler as he was jumping and playing in bed - I was thinking about his and my family’s future. It felt like I put their future in uncertainty and jeopardy. It was a really shitty feeling. I teared.
Family is the biggest cause for stress and anxiety. Without income and a ‘stable’ job, the plan to move to a bigger place this year is immediately put on hold. (Banks need income proof or letter of employment to lend you money for mortgage.) Without certainty on next residence location, childcare plans are also put on hold. (The older boy’s current kindergarten will cease to operate next year and hence need to find him his next place. There was also plan to put the younger boy in childcare when he turns 18 months old in August - his childcare location should ideally be the same as his older brother’s for logistical ease.) But everything now are put on hold.
Two reasons why I’m writing this post:
To share how it’s really like for someone in my situation to be out of a job - hopefully to inspire some action for you today (as of what to do or not to do - maybe that’s for another post)
For me to document this part of my life - so that these become stories i’m gonna tell and they become reminders of what I have been through and who I really am. (inspired by Alex Hormonzi)
